Written on 6/3/15
Today I started the process of packing for Nepal, and Classic Kelly showed up with a vengeance. Classic Kelly is Type A to the extreme. Organized and constantly running every possible scenario through her brain. For example, tonight I spent a solid ten minutes agonizing over which blank journal I should bring to Nepal. One is sturdier, but as such, heavier, and neither are quite perfect because the pages can’t tear out, but there’s no reason to go buy a new one if I have two options that will really work fine. I finally decided on bringing the one from my good friend Lauren because she was the one who gave me the journal I used in Romania and Moldova. But do you see what I mean? A journal is just one item on my extensive, detailed, way-too-organized packing list.
On one hand I’m marveling at the fact that I actually have enough time to pack the way I want to. As I’m sure you can tell, my version of packing is incredibly time-consuming, and I love that I’m in a season of life that allows me to take my time on this process.
But on the other hand, I feel this nagging itch of, “really Kelly?” Am I spending more time packing and preparing than I am on my knees in prayer? Truthfully… yes. And there’s something wrong with that picture.
When I went to the prayer room at my church right after the first earthquake in Nepal, the man who prayed for me told me that the single best way to prepare for this trip is to intercede on behalf of everyone involved – my team, the Tiny Hands staff, my support community, and the Nepalis we will meet. While that deeply resonates with me, I haven’t been living it out.
So this is a promise, that I’m making public for accountability purposes, to change my ways. More than anything I want to be a woman of prayer, but I’m not going to magically become that woman without putting forth any effort. There’s a new song out by Hillsong United that says, “I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground.” What a beautiful picture of the power of our prayers!
Written on 6/4/15
I’ve been reflecting on what I wrote yesterday, and there’s one critical point I wish to add. Lately I’ve been incredibly frustrated with my seeming inability to pray, so today I finally decided to just sit and listen to God. And in the space I gave Him, my Father whispered “be.” How fitting! Here I am striving and struggling to pray more, which is what God wants, right? No! He wants me to be still and increase my awareness of His presence, goodness, and voice. At its heart, prayer is turning our attention to God, and ultimately, prayer is not about my ability to pray (or lack thereof.) So instead of trying to force myself to pray, I’m going to give myself space to be still and know that He is God, and I am not!